Theatre of the Deranged II

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Damien Shadows introduces you to five blood curdling horror films in this independent anthology masterpiece. From demented sisters and panty raids gone wrong to killer mimes and bad periods, this is five wild rides for the price of one!

I adore , because they are elegant. [music playing]
Welcome to Theater
of the Deranged Two.
I’m your host, big time
internet psychic celebrity,
Damien Shadows.
I’m an accredited vampire
priest from witchschool.com.
And let’s just say,
most of my professors
were not of this world.
OK, they were of an
extradimensionary origin.
[yelling]
The whole world is a stage,
and Theater of the Deranged
will haunt your eyes, and
even haunt your house.
With my occult background
I see symbolism.
And I noticed after watching the
short films in this anthology,
that they’re nothing short of
audio visual conjuring spells.
So you’re about to see
a marathon of perfectly
edited and mixed apparition,
whispering from your screens
into your kitchen,
infesting your rooms
and you’re nightmares.
And after each short,
I’ll explain exactly
what has possessed your house.
Stick with me, Damian Shadows,
and my partner, Adam Lansbury.
As we explain what spirit
each film has conjured,
and how to get rid of it.
Or, if you want to communicate
with it, pick your fancy.
This is Theater of the
Deranged Two, featuring Tag.
[music playing]
[speaking japanese]
You think two Asian sisters
having a ritualistic blood orgy
is anything short of a super
powerful summonings spell
and you’re living in a
fuckin’ fantasy world, OK?
Let’s live in the real world.
Damian, none of the
equipment is lighting up.
Are you sure Tag
conjured a spirit?
You have blood in your eyes, so
see demon spies for the angels
nowhere to hide.
You done it now.
A short film, plus that
little conjuring spell,
now you have a blood
whisper girl on your hands.
A blood whisper girl
will go into your ear
and make a contract
with your deeper self,
but grant you certain
abilities in exchange
for the sacrament
of self-mutilation.
So when you make a deal
with the blood whisper girl,
she can give you future sight
and mind reading abilities.
Yeah.
If you sign the
contract in blood.
I was never brave enough
to go through with it.
But the voices are real loud.
Blood whisper girls are
persistent in your head.
They are loud whispers.
It’s like you want
to cut the voices out
of your head from your vein.
And yeah, I have
cut myself, and I
have made the contract with
the blood whisper girl,
but that’s a witch game for you.
And yeah, certain
doctors have told me
that Prozac and
counseling can treat
a condition that the blood
whisper girl started.
They go to college
for eight years
just to forget the spirit
worlds in their heart.
Such nonsense.
That’s why I called
Chuck from Globo-Ghost.
And that’s where I came in.
Hi, I’m Chuck from Globo-Ghost.
Damian is a client of mine.
At Globo-Ghost, we have
a gadget for every ghoul,
both big and small.
We have a product to handle
your every supernatural need,
all the way from a
severed head apparition
to an entire ghost army.
We have you covered.
Chuck is so smart and smooth.
I really am.
He’s got a good job.
Better than yours.
What do you do if
you have a blood
whisper girl in your house?
You can relate
to this right now.
You don’t want to sign the
contract via self-mutilization.
OK?
But you just cannot get
the voice out your head.
Damian, what do you do?
But let’s make it clear,
there’s a blood whisper
girl in your house right now.
So if you cut yourself, you
will get future thought.
We’re in no position
to– results may vary.
Let’s say that.
But, if I understand
you right, I
believe you want
to know how to get
rid of a blood whisper girl.
That’s right, Chuck.
I’ve got this for you.
Wow, look at that.
And what’s the one thing
a blood whisper girl loves?
Say it with me at home.
Jumping rope.
It’s basic mysticism.
Exactly.
And that’s why we
sewed tiny ghost
cutting crystals into this
incredibly short jump rope.
You leave it in your house, the
blood whisper girl picks it up,
and decapitates herself.
It’s a very effective
method in dealing
with blood whisper girl energy.
It’s like a spirit mouse trap.
OK, we have the best
equipment on this show.
Thanks to Globo-Ghost.
Hey, Chuck, can I write you a
check for all this stuff later?
[chuckles]
No.
We only accept cash or
money orders up front.
Our next film is Panty Raid.
[knock on door]
Hi.
Hello?
Hi.
Whoa.
Come on, is Linda home?
No, she’s not home.
Come on, let me in.
No, everybody’s at
the mixer tonight.
No, no, no, I
don’t believe that.
-You can’t come in.
-Come on, what’s your–
-She’s not here.
-Oh, come on.
No one’s here.
I don’t believe you.
I’ll see you later.
Come on, let me
shower with you.
What am I going to do tonight?
In the collegiate tradition
of my fraternity forefathers
before me.
It’s time for a
motherfucking panty raid.
Don’t you remember how last time
you almost got us both caught?
Uh, I seem to remember saving
both of our asses again.
I’m not going to do
it, it’s too risky.
Panties.
Jesus Christ, man,
just look– look!
Look!
Look at this girl, man.
God damn, fucking a, man,
sexy as shit and all, look!
She got teal in her hair, man.
God damn, man, it’s
nice as– oh, damn!
Fucking black lacy
boy shorts, brother,
that’s out fucking favorite.
Come on, Mr.
Janitor man, you know
you want to see my panties.
Yes.
Oh, that’s my boy!
Man, I knew you could do it.
Go get em.
Shit, is there any more vodka?
Try the garage.
All right.
Drinks?
Thank you.
-Want a drink?
-No thanks.
Come on.
I’m not drinking tonight.
All right, whatever.
Let’s cheers.
Cheers.
How’s that taste?
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
I think I’m already drunk.
I spilled on myself.
Take it easy, sloppy.
Shut up.
I think that’s a party foul.
No way.
We are not doing
another party foul!
[laughing]
Oh, shut up!
Wah, wah, get out of here!
No fair.
Vampire killer.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
Really?
[music playing]
Are you OK?
[couching]
[music playing]
Dude, if my underwear is
not good enough for you,
you can always
just buy your own.
I fucking hate thongs.
Fucking boy shorts, granny
panties, even fucking
bikini briefs would work.
Not fucking thongs!
What’s the fucking
world coming to?
Fucking thongs.
What the fuck?
Awkward.
Fuck this, I’m out.
RADIO BROADCASTER:
Breaking news.
This morning in Connersville
police officials
found several bodies
in a sorority house.
Only minutes away
from the CU campus.
Police officials believe that
these bizarre murders may
be the work of a serial killer.
Last month in Indiana, both–
MALE SPEAKER: Panty!
First, you’re mesmerized
in breasts, then,
there’s a dark man in the night.
You’ve left a well labeled
junk of poison under the sink.
You got a panty
raid on your hands!
And then, the girls
masturbated– ooh!
And then, there was a
ritualistic sacrifice
over her exploding womb.
Fireworks.
Boom.
And then, of course, the
girls gave over their panties.
This completes the loop.
Dude, if my underwear
is not enough for you,
you can always
just buy your own.
A succubus energy
has entered the room.
It can be yielded or cast out.
Asked the succubus
energy inside you,
and you will be a
master of seduction.
But, a panty raiding creep.
Our friends that Globo-Ghost
have furnished us
with a very
expensive but perfect
solution for succubus energy.
That’s right, Damion.
Now, as you may well know,
succubus energy is very
homophobic and kind of a dick.
But that’s OK, all you need to
do is wear this lovely tiara.
Maybe add a wand for a
little flare; that’ll
scare the succubus right out.
It’s weird, we just
played the film,
but the M-Ped is
really capturing
no succubus energy in the room.
It’s really weird.
It’s weird.
Of course, the other option
is to become a succubus.
To do that, do what
all my friends do,
just relax, grab your ankles,
open up your third brown eye,
and allow the
succubus to enter you.
I wouldn’t worry,
Damian, everything
you say repels a succubus.
What does that mean?
You’re so fresh.
Our next film is
Unmimely Demise.
UNCLE COOP: Once upon a time,
there was a man named Cheeky.
He lived with his wife, Kate.
Good bye, honey,
I’m off to work.
Later, darling.
UNCLE COOP: Cheeky always
lived an extraordinary life.
He was Los Angeles’
most famous mime.
You know it’s been said that
mines have special powers
beyond our wildest dreams.
Things had always
been going well
for Cheeky, that’s why
he was horrified by what
he had found two days prior.
You see, Cheeky found his
wife in bed with another man.
But not just any other man, he
found her in bed with a clown.
[clown horn]
Things were going to
change for Cheeky tonight.
[gun shot]
Hey, honey, you’re home early.
UNCLE COOP: And after that,
Cheeky was never seen again.
But, the cops did find,
carved into his wife’s body,
that he would
return in 10 years.
Bull shit, Uncle Coop!
That is one of the most
retarded things I’ve ever heard.
You don’t believe me, Kyle?
I swear it’s true.
As a matter of fact, this
happened 10 years ago
exactly on this block.
That’s retarded.
You are so drunk.
And, he likes to kill a
little boy’s named Kyle.
Shut up!
Believe what you
want to believe, kid.
But, don’t come crying to me
if Cheeky the mime gets you.
Turn off the light
when you leave.
Fine.
Is it too late to deal me in?
Not at all, Coop.
Hey, mean, I’m about
to smoke this joint.
You want to partake?
I’m good, but
thank you, Stanly.
Suit yourself.
Doesn’t nobody want
to smoke this with me?
No, man.
It’s why you look like
that, and I look like that.
Plus, that shit’s
bad for your lungs.
Whatever, man.
You know, Robert,
you normally smoke,
man, what’s– what’s wrong?
I don’t want to
get too paranoid.
Today’s the
anniversary of it all.
What’s he talking about?
Haven’t you ever heard
of Cheeky the mime?
Yeah.
What about him?
Well, Robert here used
to be his mime partner
about 10 years ago.
And then Cheeky went ballistic.
He killed himself a
clown and his wife.
And now, 10 years to the day,
he’s back to reek vengeance
on anyone who was there.
Is that true?
I don’t want to talk about it.
Especially if Kyle can hear.
Oh, whoops.
I already told him.
[laughing]
Sorry.
Whoa.
Are you like a mime, dude?
[laughing]
Oh, hey.
For sure.
What you got there,
Mr. Mime dude?
[chuckles]
I don’t see why you had
to quit miming after that.
You were great.
You were probably the
greatest mime that ever lived.
Was he really that good?
Babe, he was the best.
I mean, I’ve never seen
anybody mime like Robert
used to be able to mime.
Come on, you don’t
understand, I can’t
mime again after what I did.
What the hell did you do?
Listen, I don’t want
to talk about it.
Let’s play.
Come on, Kenny, deal us in.
All right, I’ve got
time for one, man.
I got to get up
early in the morning,
and I’m going to
hit the mountain
and do some mountain biking.
Hey, uh, babe?
Yeah.
You wanna give me
some more apples?
Sure thing.
Deal the cards,
while we’re young.
Come on, come on, man.
Let’s play.
Let’s go.
What are we even playing?
Cheeky!
Get your hands off
of her you asshole!
Kenny, shut up.
Get rid of you partner, Robert!
He doesn’t even have a weapon!
Get your fucking hands off her!
Cheeky– Kenny, shut up.
He’ll kill you.
Get rid of your
partner, Robert.
[interposing voices]
–I’m real scared of that.
-No.
Cheeky, don’t.
Cheeky, no!
[gun shot]
No!
Oh shit.
A fucking mime shot me.
Fuck.
[crying in pain]
Oh shit, what the fuck?
What the fuck?
Aw shit!
Cheeky, come on, you
don’t have to do this.
Use your mime powers
for good, not evil.
Come on, let her go.
What’s he doing?
What do you want?
What the fuck do you want?
Cheeky–
What do you want?
He’s strangling her
with invisible rope!
What the fuck do you want?
He wants to play Russian
roulette with you.
For the girl.
Fuck it, I’ll play!
Come on, I’ll fucking play.
I don’t care.
Baby– baby, you’re
going to be OK.
It’s going to be OK.
I’m going to make sure it’s OK.
OK?
What does he want?
He wants us to leave.
OK.
OK.
He wants us to leave.
You’re going to be OK, sweetie.
Fine, let’s get out of here.
No, Coop.
Coop, No!
You can’t use real
weapons with him.
No.
[interposing voices]
Cheeky, no!
[yelling in pain]
[scream]
Kyle!
Get us out of here.
Let’s go!
I love you, baby.
Come on, get
through with it, you
fucking– motherfucking mime!
Yeah, of course– of course it
won’t– give me the fucking–
Just because you’re a fucking
mime, of course you– fuck!
Fuck!
Shit!
Fuck.
Fuck you, stupid mime!
[groaning]
Fuckin’ mime, you–
give me the fucking gun.
You fucking piece shit.
Fuck.
Fu– fuck.
Wait a minute.
This is a fucking game.
Two can play this fucking game.
It’s your fucking game.
It’s– that’s how
it’s going to be?
It’s your fucking
game, isn’t it?
Fuck you, you mime!
You stupid fuck!
Ah!
[gun shot]
How are we supposed to kill
him if real weapons don’t work?
We’d have to use fake weapons.
Fake weapons?
Mime weapons.
But, who knows how to do that?
Your dad does.
I can’t.
I gave up miming
a long time ago.
Why?
You were the greatest
mime there ever was.
He was?
He was.
Robert, you’re the only
one that can save us.
Everybody’s already
dead downstairs.
Everyone else is dead?
Yeah, you little
fuck, I told you so.
I told you, don’t understand.
I can’t mime anymore.
Why?
Because I lost mime powers
when I pretended to be a clown.
I dressed as a clown, because
Cheeky’s wife was into clowns,
and I wanted to fuck her.
God, I loved her so much.
When I put that clown makeup
on, I lost my mime powers.
Luckily, not all at
once though, because I
had just enough mime powers left
to survive an invisible bullet
to the head.
Whoa.
The clown was you, Dad?
Yeah.
Yeah, son.
You were the love child
of me and Cheeky’s wife.
After he killed her I got
there in just enough time
to pull your fetus out of her
dead body to save your life.
Thanks, Dad.
So you understand why
I can’t mime anymore.
But you’re the finest
mime I ever saw.
Robert–
You could do this.
I believe in you.
Just because you believe in me
doesn’t mean I can mime again.
[groaning]
You Cheeky bastard!
Run!
I got him, I’ll hold him!
Kyle, run!
I’m not going to
leave you, Coop.
Get out of here!
I believe in you.
ROBERT: Kyle!
Kyle!
Kyle, where are you?
[yells]
Kyle!
Leave him alone, Cheeky!
It’s me you want, not him.
I’m the one that
fucked your wife.
Let him go!
Let’s finish this,
mime versus mime.
Kyle, run!
[gun shot]
No!
I’m going to get you help, Kyle.
[coughing]
Kyle, you’re OK?
Did you get him?
Yeah.
Yeah.
How’d you do that?
Well, I created an
invisible bullet proof vest.
How’d you do that?
Like father, like son.
Ready to go bury
this bastard alive?
-Sure!
-Let’s go.
Come on!
Sorry about your unmimely
demise, old friend.
Sorry about fucking your wife.
Fuck!
The parable of the
faceless adulterer–
Reclaims his
wizard has to fight
for the virtue of the mother
murdered by water magic.
It’s a well known
and cult proverb.
Connect the dots
people, your screen
just possessed your domicile
with a silent walker.
Silent walkers kill
human adulterers.
Personally, I don’t really
mind human adulterers.
I kind of love the romance
of crimes of passion.
But that’s what the– the silent
walker does, it kills cheaters.
It’s like, you broke
my heart, boom, dead.
Silent walkers are so cute.
[gun shot]
If an adulterer is
watching, you’re in danger.
This kills silent walkers.
See, a silent walker will
approach human energy and test
for adulterism by
placing its ghost
hand on your human genitals.
Then, he smells his finger.
That’s how he tests
for adulterism,
he can smell an adulterer.
So just put some
rosemary oil on a knife,
and just hold it
near your genitals,
if you’re an adulterer.
Then, when he goes to
check, you cut his hand off.
You have to know how the ghost
thinks so you can counter.
Exactly.
Fuck!
Well, I guess that solves that.
But get your umbrellas,
my aunt is coming to town.
Um, yes.
I will have the cherry cola
with an extra pump of syrup
if you mix it here.
No, I’m sorry, we
only have the pre-mix.
Is cherry cola OK?
Or, I can bring
you something else.
Cranberry juice
is fine, I guess.
Thanks.
And, for you, sir?
Yeah, I’ll have a water,
extra lemons on the side.
And, will it be a deal
breaker if I order
an alcoholic beverage, even
though you already decided
against it for yourself?
A deal breaker?
No, not at all.
I mean, I drink.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s
just, sugar water is
my chaser of choice for dinner.
Go ahead, I’ll just
catch up later.
-Really?
-Mhm.
Well, um, I’ll have
a cranberry vodka.
OK.
I’ll be right back
with your drinks.
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
–So, what was you saying?
You was unable to
leave your house?
Oh, yeah.
It’s just– I’ve been
so busy, I’ve had
the painters in all weekend.
And, if I could do
it all over again,
I would of put the mold up
after the second full cut.
I mean, it took
them twice the time
to get it all done without it
bleeding all over the place.
Oh, you have a big house?
Um about two living.
But, really high ceilings,
it’s just all walls.
And that’s not your
kind of painting?
Oh no, I’m a canvas girl.
I’ll show you.
It’s just, when I see that
much square footage to cover,
my heart literally stops.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Your drinks.
Thank you.
For you, and for you, sir.
Now, we ready to order entrees?
Yes.
OK.
Start with you.
Um, I will have the lasagna
with extra parmesan on the top.
OK.
Sir?
I will have the baked ziti.
Uh, and maybe some more–
uh– cranberry for the mixer.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Is is too strong?
It’s totally good.
It’s really good.
Nah– in no way I
ever complain there’s
too much liquor in my drink.
[chuckles]
-That’s funny.
Tough crowd.
Guess so.
Lasagna.
Yes.
Baked ziti.
All right.
Can I get you
guys anything else?
No, this looks fantastic.
OK.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
You know what I really hate?
I hate a super heavy sauce.
Oh, yeah, I know.
Kind of like chili or porridge.
Yeah.
You know, I don’t know
of one damn restaurant
the still serves porridge.
It’s like puree lasagna.
I need that in my life like
I need a bag on my hip.
[chuckles]
You know, when I’m
not creating art,
I’ve volunteer at
a nursing home.
I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to.
I’m just fucking
with you, Jeff.
But if you need to
change your diaper–
Ew, OK.
This is the weirdest
date I’ve ever on.
Um, check, please.
You’re cute, I like you.
Oh yeah?
Mhm.
Well, if it weren’t for your
face, I would like you too.
This is a red devil with
the extra shot of grenadine.
Thank you.
Can I get you
guys anything else?
Yeah, um, I’ll have
another, please.
All right, coming right up.
Thanks.
So, Erin, uh, you have
any family in the area?
Um, my aunt Florence
lives in Orlando.
She visits every three months
or so, and we have lady days.
Other than that, the rest of
my family moved to Canada.
Just a bunch of
Canadian immigrants.
Why Canada?
I mean, no offense, I
just don’t understand
why you cross that border.
The promise of a three year
health care plan, and weed.
From my mom, she’s sick.
Bunch of mud slinging hippies.
But I love them.
Even if they did conceive
my brother in Woodstock.
Man, I never met my family.
I guess I would love or
hate them just as every
other kid does there’s.
Not your typical run of the
mill jibber jabber with you,
is it?
You really aren’t trying
to yap away to get laid?
Know what?
Want to come check out my place?
See if you can spot
where I used toilet paper
to clean up the bleeding paint.
You know what?
I’m shocked.
All the time we
spent has convinced
that that’s a good idea.
Well, hell yeah, I’m down.
OK.
I know we’re doing it,
doll, for a first time.
I mean, it’s only fair to
see what you’re working with,
you know?
Want anything to drink?
Sure.
I’ll take a water, please.
Ah!
[giggles]
Just kidding.
Can I use your restroom?
Sure, go ahead.
What’s the matter?
Can’t handle it?
I’m fine.
Got to change your tampon?
No.
Just kidding.
Go ahead.
But I will be in the room
with the tarp on the floor.
OK.
I hope you brought protection.
You’re going to need it.
[phone vibrating]
Baby, your aunt it calling.
Your aunt is on the phone.
Aunt Flo, how are you?
Oh, he’s so handsome.
Yeah, he’s the strength
I didn’t know I needed.
Mm, I think I’m feeling
a little delicate.
Oh, of course, I’d
love to see you.
Oh, that bingo tournament
winter haven, huh?
Yeah, you can meet him.
Tomorrow night?
Um, I’m sure we can.
I– great.
See you at 5: 00.
I love you.
I got a bad news.
I don’t think I wrapped
it up last night.
We may need a plan B.
It’s OK, I’m on birth control,
it’s good for three months.
Three months?
I haven’t seen you
take any pills.
Well should that have been
part of my disclaimer, Jeff?
That my gyno puts an
applicator in me quarterly?
What?
What’s wrong, baby?
My aunt’s coming to
town, and– she wants
us to meet her for dinner.
What’s so bad about that?
I mean, it’s the only
family I can see of yours,
and you’re sad?
I mean, I’m glad that I
can get proof that you’re
not a government experiment.
Baby, you’re perfect.
It’s just that– she’s
just so judgemental.
She thinks that I’m destined
to marry her construct
of the perfect man.
I’m sure she only
wants the best for you.
Once she see us together,
than she’ll know that’s me.
hope you’re right.
FEMALE SPEAKER (ON PHONE):
Hey, are you still coming over?
Yeah, no, I’m not going to
be able to come over today.
I have to go to
the gynecologist,
I’m having horrible
cramps or something.
FEMALE SPEAKER (ON PHONE):
Oh shit, that sucks.
Well, if you need me,
I can give you a ride.
No, that won’t be
necessary, I’m already there.
FEMALE SPEAKER (ON PHONE): OK.
Well, call me later.
Yeah, sure, girl.
Holy fucking shit.
[speaking unknown language]
Miss, either your vagina
just talked to me,
or you have one
motherfucker of a period.
Wake up, Jeff.
Wake up, Jeff.
Wake up, Jeff.
What’s wrong, baby?
We need to organize
all of your things
so that they’re easy to hide.
There’s no reason
that, should my aunt
come here tomorrow night, that
she knows you’ve been staying.
It might upset her.
Do you need a moment?
-Flow mint?
-Beg your pardon.
Do I need a flow mint?
What the hell is
that posed to mean?
I said moment!
And for the record,
that was only when
you was actin’ a little crazy.
You’re on a whole
new level right now.
Jesus.
I’m sorry.
I’ve just been having
these severe pains.
Oh, forgive me for
not empathizing, Erin.
Yeah.
Blame it on the stress.
Yeah, I’m sure.
You know what, I’ll
see you tomorrow.
But my aunt– your things.
Oh so happy to see
you, Aunt Florence.
I heard so much about you.
I am–
Late!
But I’ll forgive you, Jeffrey.
So what don’t you
take a seat right here
next to your lovely girlfriend.
How you doing, baby?
Better now.
Listen, kids, I
gotta get out of here.
It was a pleasure
meeting you, Aunt Flo.
Hope you have a
safe trip back home.
Me too.
I love you, Aunt Flo.
And I love you too, honey.
And don’t you hurt her!
Uh– I– I won’t.
You were such a good boy.
So you know what?
What’s that?
Tonight, I’m going to let
you put it wherever you want.
Really?
Race you home?
Yeah.
I had a– I had a
good time tonight.
Me too.
I need to freshen up.
Meet you out on the tarp?
I’ve got it in me to be
really messy tonight.
All right.
I’m ready for you.
(EVIL VOICE) The blood
bank is open for business.
What the fuck?
[growl]
SINISTER VOICE: Are
you the red wing king?
No, you’re just an orphan
built from the pits of Hell.
And now I’ve come to call!
Wow, you’re even prettier
than your picture.
My psychic colleague,
Hawkeye Dragonqeen,
knows a lot about
this next entity.
Demon, can we talk
to Hawkeye now?
Bow down before
the bloody queen,
or prepare to face the
wrath of my womb fire.
Womb fire?
It’s a very good curse.
Womb fire?
Yeah, I know all about that.
Once a month Hawkeye conjures
it up, calls me on the phone,
and talks all crazy.
So, I know about womb fire.
HAWKEYE DRAGONQUEEN:
I’m a witch queen!
Keey ta La Kay Pray Ton.
And that’s exactly what
my aunt is coming to town
has conjured into
your house: womb fire!
Either your vagina
just talked to me,
or you have one
motherfucker of a period.
From my experience,
the ghost blaster foam
by trusted provider
Globo-Ghost proved to be very,
very ineffective on womb fire.
You couldn’t get a
dart near that thing.
Who knew.
All right, that’s it,
I’ve had enough of this!
Oh, mercy!
Oh God!
She’s too powerful.
It was like I was a surf
in a field of wombs, and–
I could see that
metaphor working.
Yeah, my hands got all
bloody from working so hard.
From working the field–
The womb field, yeah.
We issued an apology,
and it’s partially
due to the Damian case.
And we now clearly label that
the ghost blaster foam is not
effective against possessions.
Uh–uh– just against floating
and maneuvering apparitions,
it’ll totally take those
suckers right out of the sky.
Yeah if– I got
evidence for that.
So, Chuck, what does
work against womb fire?
We actually, at Globo-Ghost,
have an entire line
of womb fire feminine products.
Like this pom pom tampon, just
gently dab in the infected area
and it will absorb all the
biological and spiritual matter
you have.
Women problems, I
don’t really understand.
Who does?
Anyway, our next
film is Plate Face.
[music playing]
MUSIC: Building a boy with a
boy who could play, you bet.
Oh how they played when he
played on his old cornet.
He’s got a smile
and a cute little
style that’s all his own.
He’d mute his old old cornet
and then he’d make it moan.
Do, oughta do,
oughta do, oughta do.
Nothing to it, but it’s sweet.
That tune goes
right to your feet.
Do, oughta do, made
a hit with a girl.
They had their hair bobbed
and gave him the curl.
Oh, how he blew, that
do oughta, do oughta do.
[music playing]
I have with me a
multi paranormal entity
detector, which I’m still
making monthly payments on.
And, if you are
late with a payment,
the interest on the line
of credit increases.
But it’s totally
worth it to have
because I have no idea what
entity was conjured by Plate
Face so, let me plug it in.
[beeping]
Plate Face has released
werewolf energy into your house.
And I’m a paramathematician.
Perused this whole book, there’s
no cure for werewolf energy.
Literally, tonight,
while you’re sleeping,
an inter dimensional werewolf
is going to take your chastity
from you to death.
I’m sorry, guys, Globo-Ghost
has been working on werewolf
repellent for years.
Yeah.
If I could come up with
a spell or an amulet
for werewolf energy
I’d be a millionaire.
It’s a big problem,
completely incurable.
Now, werewolf is like the
AIDS of the occult world.
OK?
No care.
That’s right.
So, are doctors sure
that AIDS– like,
real AIDS is not just
like blood werewolfism?
We hear at Globo-Ghost
have no comment.
OK, I think that’s it.
You, know I bet Africa has
like tons of like werewolf
energy running around.
You are so going to
get me in trouble.
Riddled with it.
Shut up.
Um, fun fact– actually,
last night I was tested
positive for werewolf blood.
I got to get tested.
The whole world a
stage, it’s been
Theater of the Deranged Two.
This is Damian Shadow
saying, “goodbye”.
You know, bacteria
are just small actors
on a smaller stage.
You know, Shane Ryan,
one time with the tiniest
one of those– oh, well
now it’s a snake thing.
You still see– see, like, he
was a snake sperm one time,
and then, oh, the drama evolved.
Cells acquiring other cells.
That’s red blood cells.
You know– oh, God,
the drama, the sperm
was eating a stick spider.
Those are psychedelic potatoes.
Now, if you watch this
health video enough times
you actually become a doctor.
Your board certification to
be a doctor is in the mail.
My aunt is coming to town.
I think that was a
metaphor for something.
There’s also a whole crew that
collected this blood footage,
but–uh, they’re
not credited here.
I don’t know if these are
brain or butthole cells.
Look at them go.

Meet this clever wolford.

Theatre of the Deranged II